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Archive for March, 2008
Today.
Mar 31st
I can’t sleep much lately. My head is exploding with thoughts, worries and doubts. Today, nothing will be certain. No future will be for sure. Today, I am not sure I will finish this piece of shit year. I am not sure I will apply for a masters. I am not sure if I will live in Holland next week. I am not sure if I want any more academic smarter-than-thou bullshit. I am not sure what to do. I am not sure I like life in this country. I am not sure if I should just pick up a camera and seek a future in that. I am not sure if I am a quitter if I do. Today could be an epiphany or a bad mistake or a shitty day. The funny thing is, even if the outcome will be the same, the perspective on it could be different.
Advice.
Mar 26th
While I was quite sure I was managing elegantly with my first gear, rolling downhill and causing a considerable breeze by how fast my paddles were twirling around, I got passed by a six year old girl, playing with a purple football. She was on foot.
If you ever want to slow down your life, just break the gears of your bicycle, so you’re stuck in the first of five gears permanently.
Snow.
Mar 22nd
It is snowing again today. That’s the weird thing about Holland, you can experience all weathertypes possible in one day. It doesn’t really matter much though, I am just being a studying nerd these days. With just a little fun here and there. On the one hand, I am hating it. This whole year I’ve been learning things I hadn’t asked for at all. This can make me feel so boring that it is ridiculously hard to not just run. Run run and shake off the responsibility of it all. I keep on reminding myself that I went into this year fully knowing that it would suck. But there is a part of me that wants to kick against it. A part of me that wants to yell at the clouds and the rain/snow. That wants to run and take my love to a beautiful island. A part of me that wants to get lost and act stupid. That wants to kick the next ass which has a mouth belonging to it that tells me ‘Oh you get to see your girlfriend every three weeks? That’s not so bad!’. A part of me is having difficulty with doing the things I promised myself I would. Because I always tell myself and others (when I am having a preachy moment) that life can’t all just be fun. That we need to sometimes fight a bit to achieve something bigger/nicer/holier or better. For you and others. I just hope I’m right.
No worries. Just a case of the pre-exam blues.
Quote
Mar 11th
Most funny turn in a serious MSN conversation ever… Just a reminder for me to know that I’ll never understand women… In Dutch, I’m sorry 
Ik: “maar je vind me wel een stukje minder aardig he?”
Zij: “Aardig? dit heeft echt geen flikker met aardig temaken. en ja misschien ben je wel wat minder aardig. nou ja daar heb ik het toch nooit om gedaan, vanaf moment 1 vind ik je vooral onbeduidend, spannend, interessant en natuurlijk heel lekker, maar niet aardig”
PorCal.
Mar 1st
From sunny Portugal to sunny California. It will never seize to shock your system. After some amazing days in Portugal with the whole family, it was time to work a little bit here and there. After having I think the earliest wake up time of my life (3:15) I ended up hopping planes in New York, to fly on to Los Angeles. It has been a year since I’ve been in America, and you renotice many things. A lot of big people. A lot of loud pleasant talk. A lot of muscles. A lot of baseball caps. A lot of cool. A lot of a lot of.
It was a strange experience to see my old city from the plane, land next to it, and move along, without entering. Many memories showed themselves, then disappeared as quickly. Except in my dreams, I’ve been having NY-related dreams.
California has been amazing. Sunny weather, a relaxed crew, lots of reading in between work. From national park to secluded place to plastic LA. From the car I could see surfers in the water, and I had a fart of frustration, being so close to a surf. But then soon enough, it disappears. Thinking about the fact that I am actually in Cali, listening to Jack, looking at the ocean, and feeling the sun on my face. It’s always hard to explain this job properly. I don’t know, I think I’ll never enjoy the actual posing. Literally. But everything else, everything else is just amazing.
